The Belonging Paradox
How We Reject Ourselves Before Anyone Else Can and How to Break the Spell
This is a story that so many of us can identify with. You have probably lived it a thousand times. Maybe you have noticed it, but then quickly ignore it. And so it goes something like this.
I was seven years old, standing at the edge of a playground, watching a group of girls play jump rope. They were laughing, chanting some rhyme I didn’t know the words to, and I wanted so badly to be part of it. But instead of walking over and asking to join, I turned around and went to the swings by myself.
Because somewhere in my seven-year-old brain, I’d already decided: I don’t belong there.
Looking back now, I can see this pattern everywhere in my life. At school. In friend groups. In relationships. At work. Even in spaces I helped create.
And here’s the strange part: Even when I did belong, when I was welcomed, when people wanted me there, I found ways to convince myself otherwise.
I’d even scan for proof that I was different. I’d compare myself to others and find all the ways I didn’t measure up (this was my favorite go-to). I’d create distance before anyone else could.
It took me decades to realize what I was actually doing.
I wasn’t protecting myself from rejection.
I was rejecting myself first. That one hit me like a ton of bricks.
The Ways We Tell Ourselves We Don’t Belong
The story of not belonging is woven into our culture, streaming through our conscious thoughts until it gains power over us without us even noticing.
And once it takes hold, it shows up everywhere you go. Like a bad rash.
You walk into a room and immediately start cataloging the differences. They’re more intelligent than you. More confident. They seem to know each other already.
You join a group and spend the whole time wondering if you should even be there. Are you smart enough for this conversation? Experienced enough?
You get invited somewhere, and your first thought is, “Why did they invite me?” followed quickly by, “They probably felt like they had to.”
Or you do the comparison thing. You look around and think: Everyone here is further along than I am. More successful. More together.
Your thoughts spiral until all you want to do is rid yourself of this uncomfortableness.
And the conclusion is always the same: I don’t belong here. The irony? Everyone in the room is probably doing the same thing. We’re all standing at our own edges, convinced we’re the only ones who don’t belong.
The Self-Sabotage Part
We will take this a step further, and this is where it gets interesting.
Even when we do find a place where we’re genuinely welcome, where people actually want us there, where we fit, we start tearing it down.
I’ve done this so many times I’ve lost count.
I’ll be in a friendship or a community where I’m valued and seen, and I’ll start pulling away. Creating distance. Finding reasons why it won’t last or why I shouldn’t get too comfortable.
Sometimes it’s obvious. I stop showing up. I become unavailable.
More often, it’s subtle. I start focusing on how I’m different from others. I emphasize what sets me apart rather than what connects us. I hold back parts of myself because “they wouldn’t understand.”
Or I do the thing where I make myself indispensable by being helpful, useful, the one who shows up for everyone else, but never actually let anyone see the parts of me that need support. Because if they really knew me, then I definitely wouldn’t belong.
The outcome is the same either way: I create the very rejection I was afraid of.
And then I get to be right. See? I told you I didn’t belong. (Some might call this madness!)
What is Really Happening
Our minds create elaborate stories about how different we are, how separate, how other. And these stories become self-fulfilling. We create the very circumstances that prove we were right all along.
But here’s what I’ve come to understand: These situations keep showing up not only to confirm the story, but to give us a chance to see through it. To grow beyond it. To choose a different direction.
You’re not alone in this feeling. Every woman I work with carries some version of it. And it often gets more pronounced as we get older, not because we actually belong less, but because we haven’t healed this wound consciously, spiritually, at the root.
The cost of this unhealed pattern? We miss out on incredible opportunities. We say no to connection before it even begins. We reject ourselves from spaces where we actually belong. All because of a story we believed so long ago, we forgot it was just a story.
So, Now What?
I’m still working on this. Probably will be for a long time.
But here’s what helps me:
When I notice myself creating distance, I give myself a sacred pause and ask: Is this actually not my place, or am I protecting myself from rejection?
When I start comparing myself to everyone else in the room, I remind myself that I’m seeing their outsides and feeling my insides. It’s not a fair comparison.
When I catch myself emphasizing how different I am, I look for what connects us instead. Because the differences are easy to see. The connections take more attention.
And when I feel that familiar pull to leave before I’m asked to leave, I stay a little longer. Just to see what happens when I don’t run.
Sometimes I realize I was right: this isn’t my place. And that’s ok because I didn’t come to that conclusion from a place of not belonging.
But more often than not, I discover that the rejection I was bracing for doesn’t come.
What comes instead is connection. And that can be amazing to experience.
And the possibility that maybe, just maybe, I’ve belonged here all along. “What a thought!” I tell myself.
A Question for You
If you’re reading this and recognizing yourself in it, I want to ask you something:
What would change if you stopped waiting for permission to belong?
What would change if you decided, right now, that you have just as much right to be in the room as anyone else?
What would change if you let yourself be seen, even when it’s uncomfortable?
I don’t know the answer for you. I’m still figuring it out for myself.
But I suspect it might be everything.
If this resonated, I’d love to hear from you. Where do you sabotage your own belonging? What would it look like to choose differently? Hit reply or leave a comment below.
Deepest Munay,
Joaquina 🦋
Life Coach, Shaman, Mystic, Ceremonial Leader
Munay is a Quechua word meaning “pure love” or “will”—the life force that moves through all things. It is the energy that calls you back home to yourself.
If you’re done performing to belong and ready to come home to yourself, I support women in this exact journey. Through ancestral healing, soul retrieval, and deep energy work, we’ll unravel the stories that say you’re too much or not enough, and reconnect you with your inherent worthiness. Let’s talk about what’s possible for you. Book a free consult here.
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This piece speaks to me...even being a part of huge friendgroups, I often feel out of place, so thank you for writing this Joaquina!!
Inspiring 🫶